If it weren't for procrastination I doubt I would have this blog

One of the many things that Teach For America conveniently forgets to tell you during your application process is just how much crap you have to do for your local teacher credentialing program in order to actually be a teacher. It makes sense now that I had such a hard time explaining to everyone how it is possible that I would be a real teacher, after having not gotten a teaching degree. The money for the credentialing program is one headache, and the second-biggest headache (one of many) is the Teaching Performance Assessment that must be taken once every two months. It is an online assessment for which we have to pretty much write the equivalent of 20-30 pages of redundancy. At the orientation for each new assessment, the person in charge always explains to us that if one of the questions asks you something that you feel like you have already answered, you must answer it again in a new way. It is ridiculous, and I feel like it grades you more on your ability to bullshit well than your ability to teach well. This next one is due on Monday, so naturally, I am making the best use of my time and writing on the blog instead.

On the bright side of things, this week I think was the best week so far this entire school year - I went home happy every single day. Exhausted, but happy. I decided to come back from break with a new plan for Algebra (my occasionally awful classes) where we pretty much started the year over to review all the things I have taught so far. Many of these kids don't mind describing themselves as lazy and impatient, which is scary, but most of the time I would agree with them. To deal with that, I have been creating "cheat sheet" worksheets for them where I have done all the notes for them and all they have to do is read the directions and answer the problems. I think they like it because I told them they can work at their own pace as long as they are always working in class. A lot of my 0% F students are actually doing some work now and my higher achieving kids can go on ahead instead of becoming huge distractions when they are done early. I don't so much know yet how I'm going to reconvene to teach the next new concept, but right now I'm just enjoying happy afternoons and not worrying about it yet!

In other news, yesterday at school we had a Black History Month assembly, and I think I have said it before: that our students and assemblies do not mesh well. Our student to teacher ratio doesn't really provide much enforcement when you put 1000 students into one school theater for a collection of presentations and performances. That being said, a couple things surprised me during the student-run assembly: first of all, the "school band" consisted of about nine people playing instruments, two of them teachers (I know that this job is affecting my perspectives because my surprise came from the fact that we even HAD a band). Secondly, our students are huge into dance - over half the assembly included performances from all periods of jazz dance (yes, a class). But the third thing really threw me off: throughout the entire assembly, there was all sorts of chaos in the audience until the student emcee invited to the mic the mother and sister of an African-American student that had been killed this past year. Once they took the podium, there was utter and complete silence, which was just chilling since it had just a few seconds before been crazy in that theater. I felt bad for the mom and sister, but the most emotional part for me was that you could feel how real it all was for the students in that room - they immediately knew the gravity of what was being said, despite the fact that so many of them seem incapable of giving their attention to any other speaker at that podium. It just made me realize how inconsequential day-to-day school classes must seem to those students that experience the community violence and its effects at its deepest level.

It's hard to push students to do work in class when their mind is wrapped up in things like this; no wonder student-teacher conflicts are a dime a dozen in Richmond. But then how do I help to remedy any of that without pointing towards things that are out of my control? This job has provided me many observations and reflections, but so far, those have only spurred more questions that I have no idea how to answer.

A Heavenly Break

I was feeling good nearing the end of January, and then February hit and all of a sudden school seemed awful again. Everyone I live with agreed - it's almost as if all the students got together and decided that they would pretend February was September again. I would say I can't wait for March, but who knows what that month has in store.

Frankly, I'm amazed by the predictability in general of the average TFAer's year. We were even given line graphs way back in the summer that showed us about how our lives would be going throughout the year. Sure enough, the biggest trench into despair was predicted to be in October/November, and the steady increase in hope would be halted by the month of February. It's scary, but somebody has this down to a science.

In truth, since the beginning of the month, things haven't been too bad I don't think... of course with our week off, I have been spending the last seven days in as much vacation-mode as I can manage. I made time to enjoy a San Francisco beach with visiting company, as well as a local hike to watch mating newts. Best of all, our apartment complex teaching crew made it up to Lake Tahoe for the week and I found the time (and money) to experience Heavenly Ski Resort on both a snowboard as well as skis. Snow could have been better, but the weather gave it the best views I have ever seen from a mountain. I highly recommend.

Of course this also marks the first trip taken with all teachers, and cramming 11 type-A personalities into a cabin for six has scarred me a little. Although I have found that in comparison, I am one of the better ones at turning off the stress and relaxing (who knew, right?). Unfortunately, such relaxation comes with a price - specifically, $15 co-pay at the hospital and $17 for a thumb stabilizer after spraining my thumb at the end of the second day. I will admit that the fall leading to this injury is directly related to a stupid choice that was made in an exhausted state of mind. One of the girls on the trip has skied since she was two and was a ski instructor, so we covered the entire mountain. Of course, back in Oakland today was a hard dose of reality, especially as I sat in the radiology waiting room before an x-ray.

In fact, I don't think I'm ready to get back in teacher mode quite yet, but already I'm hearing about another Richmond shooting, this time in a church during mass this past week. You would think that this kind of thing would make me fear for my safety at Richmond High, but really it makes me fear the fact that this is what a lot of the students turn to when they cannot graduate from high school. It makes me think of the fact that I gave failing grades to half of my students this past semester, and looking at each students' report cards, they are failing a lot of other classes too. On the one hand, I am happy that I not doing something wrong compared to other teachers, but I am upset that the education system is failing these students. Our school is more successful in creating high school dropouts than it is in creating college-bound students. It may appear that a lot of students do not care about their education, but the whole thing is totally psychological. Having not met expectations for so long has made them find the only way they know how to not fail. In their minds, if they don't try, they can't feel bad about failing. Had I known this in September, I would perhaps be finding more success. Not only am I responsible for teaching Algebra and Geometry, but I am responsible for helping rebuild these kids' perceptions of education in general. The thought of this in one student is manageable, but 50% of my students requiring this attention is the very definition of overwhelming.

Even in this one post, you can see me reverting back from vacation mode, so as I think about Monday, I wonder: how do I ration my time, energy, resources, etc. among my students and throughout the calendar? In setting reasonable goals for myself for the remainder of the year, which students should I focus on? The lowest performing? The highest performing? Those on the cusp of failing? Unfortunately one of the ugly truths behind TFA is that it feeds off of statistics, and good ones at that. And since my marks are still far from the TFA goal of 80% student mastery of content standards, I often get the sense that my work at this school will never be enough. And it doesn't help that the math department is very cynical.

I've always been one to subconsciously determine my own success based on what everyone else is doing or has done; years of school and grade point averages I think are responsible for this. It's without a doubt a new experience for me to measure success without comparing to others. If I were to do that now, it feels like failure. In a very self-reflective way I feel like this is one of the main things that I am learning from this job - that the idea of "success" is complex and can be broken down into many parts, instead of being viewed as some intangible goal of perfection. It may sound cheesy, and I may be saying this because a week off has made me forget my awful 7th period class, but I am pretty satisfied knowing that I am doing the best I reasonably can.

Ugh, I rewrote that last paragraph about three times but it still reads like a testimonial about "how this job is changing my life." Sorry about that.

Long week

This is the first five full teaching days in a week I have had for quite some time now, and this week's a rough one. It's only Wednesday and I have sent five students to the office with referrals, one of them twice. Today a girl in Algebra decided that it was necessary to take a swing at a classmate, and the consequences laid upon her resulted in profanity to my face. This kind of thing didn't so much phase me at the beginning of the year, but I thought we had improved from then!

These kinds of daily happenings are so discouraging. More and more often I feel like I have run out of ideas and tactics for these ninth graders. But again and again I think of the rule to practice your weaknesses, not your strengths. Now, it's all relative - but Geometry is definitely my strength, and because of this, I find that I would much rather spend the majority of my time planning for this class and I always end up leaving the Algebra planning to last. Even as I type, I am planned for Geometry for tomorrow, but not Algebra. I am self-aware enough to know that I am somewhat feeding the problem, but my exhaustion prevents me from fixing this problem... especially this week, when it feels like even my soul is exhausted. Over-dramatic, I know.

Sometimes with the stories you hear when living around other teachers, all of our bad weeks seem to coincide, and all we can think and talk about is how much we want the week to be over - not always because of the going to bed late, getting up early, and working, but because sometimes it just feels like a weekend is necessary right at that moment to wash away the crappy things that have made their imprint on the week. Case in point: yesterday, at my roommate's school - middle school, mind you - three kids brought guns to school, and now they are all arrested. The thing I find most upsetting is that these middle schoolers thought it was worth the risk of being expelled to bring the firearm to school, which means they are not invested in this whole education thing to begin with. No wonder this job is hard.

On the bright side of things, the English Department at Richmond hosted Poetry Out Loud, a poetry recitation competition, in the Student Center at school. Disregarding the fact that teachers gave out boatloads of extra credit for their students showing up after school, it was nice to see that amidst everything else at this school, there are still some all-star kids that care. A lot, actually. But it's tough - on the one hand, I have to focus on my top performers and most improved students to help motivate me (and support my emotional health!), but on the other hand, I can't ignore my problem students or else I'm not doing what I came here to do. As you can see, my only hope for temporary peace of mind is still two days away.

Let's be honest, this is a procrastination post.

I got back from credentialing class today at 8:30pm, with planning still to do for tomorrow, but my energy is boosted by some comments from my classmates. Upon introductions to my newest table group in class, my group-mates agreed that I "have a ticket to heaven for teaching at Richmond High," which makes me laugh, because it's really not that bad. I firmly believe that even if I had taught at my own high school, there would be an entirely different group of stressors that would contribute to my life being just as pleasant. Of course, the magnitude and seriousness of those stressors my differ widely.

After working through a logic exercise today in class, too, my table partner said that I could get such a better job, and should apply to Chevron based on how I answer the logic problems. It's definitely interesting how people believe that jobs such as teaching at Richmond High are at the bottom of the totem pole as far as teaching goes. It makes you wonder what quantifies the "best" high school teaching job: an "easier" one with high performing students predisposed to going to college, or a more challenging one with lower performing students and a much bigger potential impact (in my first year, that 'potential' word is key...). But I suppose it would be nice not having to lose your temper in Algebra once a week...

If nothing else, the craziness has forced me to explicitly identify any "me-time" that I have set aside for myself. Recently this me-time has taken shape in the kitchen, and my newest Costco membership has only bolstered that. Sunday morning was pancakes AND waffles, and Sunday night I made "Salmon Fillets in Red Wine" for five, courtesy of the cookbook I have recently been poring through. Next on the menu is "Pan-Seared Steak with Red Wine Sauce." As you can see, the current trend is any dish that gives me an excuse to finish a bottle of wine.

Blackout

The fact that this is the second post in two days can only mean one thing: today was another crazy day.

First of all, I think I've figured out that the reason why so many people around here are put off by Seattle rain is because they think that Washington rain is the same as California rain. Wrong. California rain comes in storms, with winds that toss your car around on the way to work and an amount of water that floods the streets of Oakland. It's a rain that makes a good percentage of students not come to school...

So anyway, midway through first period today, the power went out, which is not a big deal unless your classroom doesn't have any windows... like all of the classrooms at Richmond High. I was only glad it was pitch black as I was embarrassingly feeling my way across the class to where I thought my desk was so that I could feel my way through the drawers to find the emergency flashlight that I had organized so well that now I couldn't find it.

After finding the flashlight we sat around as a class for two hours without power, moving from the classroom to the commons and losing track of my students one by one. In the end a pretty big amount of students just left to go home, and if I could have, I would have joined them. The boredom was only briefly delayed by a hilarious conversation with my students about how to spell my last name - keeping in mind that my name has been on the back whiteboard since day one and all the students say it all the time. I thought I had heard and seen every possible spelling, but this one takes the cake. Evelyn was positive that her first period Geometry teacher was Mr. Bretto. Unfortunately that one might stick for a while... at least until I make a test question that asks them to spell their teacher's name.

More California rain tomorrow!

Hitting the Reset Button

Clearly I have found that when things get hectic, the blog is one of the first things to go. Not having deadlines or external expectations on this thing really tests my personal motivation and willpower.

I am currently at school on a work day (no students) so that we can finish grades for the semester. Second semester starts tomorrow, and the idea of being done with half of the year is truly glorious. Hopefully this entry emanates a happy mood considering I just got back from a Oregon ski trip this past weekend, spending time with younger college friends - and playing the part of the wise out-of-college friend (they're so gullible...). The first half of the day today has been devoted to a visit from Laura van Dernoot Lipsky and a presentation on the topics of her book, "Trauma Stewardship" http://traumastewardship.com/, which was actually amazing. She talked all about how to make your profession a sustainable and joyful experience, which I will admit has been a new year's resolution for me. In the faculty conversations that followed, I was surprised to hear that many teachers that have been around for a long time think that this past semester was the most difficult yet, for violence and other reasons.

If nothing else, I hope reading and reflecting on this book will curb some of my insanity that is beginning to feel somewhat like an addiction to stress - knowing that there is always more to be done, and the general feeling that I am not fulfilling the Teach For America expectations unless I am killing myself with work. I do believe that I will suggest that TFA recruits this woman to speak to new corps members because she talks all about how to care for yourself while caring for others, which is by far the biggest issue I see among friends and colleagues, and often feel myself. Right now, there is always a feeling that I have forgotten something - to a point that I refresh my email three times in five minutes so that I can be aware of everything I need to do... which is so counter-intuitive, because I create stress for myself enough as it is! Sometimes I feel like I have a stress addiction. Maybe that means I'm addicted to adrenaline. I do like scary movies a lot...

Anyway, this presentation came at a good time of the year when everyone really needed it. I certainly needed the break after giving literally half of my students Ds or Fs on their report card. Our teaching community needed it after a shooting that happened last Thursday, killing a former RHS student. Turns out all the teachers just needed to talk about this stuff, because as the analogy was presented to us, we are all like sponges, and unless we get wrung out every once in a while, we can't take in any more of this trauma, and we start becoming desensitized to it. I am looking forward to reading the book, because I think there is more that I can do for myself besides soccer and a good cry every once in a while.

On the bright side, the talks made the whole faculty think about things they can do to improve their care for themselves, and a group of us teachers made a pact that we will run a half-marathon in March, so I guess I'm going to start going on runs with other teachers right after school. I figured it would be good for soccer anyway...

Ok back to grading; grades are due in a couple hours.

Christmas Break FINALLY

I found that there will always be new challenge every week to which I must react, but unfortunately the most recent has been the slow deterioration of my computer. The four and a half years of my Dell laptop has seen replacements of my keyboard, charger, and screen, and now battery life has been reduced to about seven minutes and the clicker doesn't work. All that has been taken in stride, but the final straw was the failure of the already-replaced screen. Now the challenge is deciding whether I want a new laptop or desktop. Needless to say, new blog posts were difficult to accomplish without a working computer.

As usual, a lot has happened since my last post. Thanksgiving break was insanely short, making the December school days seem to last an eternity. The last week was the worst week since the beginning of the year; the students were appalled that A) I gave out a test during the last week and B) that I refused to let them just watch a movie in class. The excuse of choice was, "...but we aren't doing anything in any of my other classes..." Whether or not that's true I have no idea (believable for some of these teachers). I'm already worried they're going to forget everything over the holidays, which makes the nearing end of semester particularly scary.

Despite being December, the events that unfurled during the last few weeks in West Contra Costa Unified School District suggested anything but Christmas spirit. I haven't had the chance to do a search for the stories on the internet news sites but here is what "the most wonderful time of the year" entailed for one of the TFA girls that lives with us: a little over a week ago, her school was on lockdown for three hours because of a race riot taking place on her campus at De Anza High School (a couple miles from my school in Richmond). Apparently huge groups of black and Latino students were creating a massive fight that ended in four teachers getting assaulted and eleven students arrested. Six of those arrested were students of our friend's - and I might add that this is the same girl that was originally given 70 students in one biology class; it is also the same girl whose plane to New York for Christmas got cancelled because of the snow storm. Not only that but there was some other fallout from the original riot (including two black girls spray painting "F*** Mexicans" all over the school on the lockers), making me wonder how the hell she has not put in her two weeks notice yet. My school comes from the same hate-filled community but at least doesn't ever have anything quite as scary as that.

The other event happened last week at the nearby middle school - this time it was a 12-yr-old girl getting raped by a 14-yr-old boy on campus during school hours. Apparently it's still up in the air whether or not she was actually raped or if she claimed that so she would not get in trouble, but the teachers at my school are right: the huge thing here is that there is sex happening in the middle school building. The whole thing really is sad, especially considering that these teachers that have to deal with all these issues are facing huge cuts to their benefits, prompting so many teachers I know to ask, "Why should I stay here?" when they know they could be financially so much better off in another school district (that would hire them in an instant). The new district-union agreement goes into effect on the first of the year, so there are at least a few teachers at my school that said goodbye at the holiday party. When our union leaders actually tell us the information we need to know, I'll be sure to pass it on. Hopefully with the new year comes a fresh start to just about EVERYTHING in WCCUSD. They need it badly.

In other news, I organized a co-ed soccer team a couple weeks ago with a whole bunch of people in TFA and we had way too many people interested, so I had to be a jerk and tell handfuls of people that they couldn't play for lack of space. However, a nice side effect has been the fact that our team is actually really fun and really good. It's about time; my roommate and I have been aching for some good and fun soccer. Other than that, I think just about everyone I know is ready for the holiday break, although I fully predict the weeks when we get back to be super rough...