Recovery

Spring break has been long overdue, but now that it is here, my lack of motivation is pathetic. I think my body is instead using this week to recover from months of long hours and early mornings. And since it's not been quite nice enough to force me to go do things outside, I've remained in my semi-comatose state until noon each day, at which point I move around the apartment and find very creative ways of not getting anything accomplished. Fortunately and unfortunately, the parking ticket I got this morning I think has served as a reminder that I cannot live this way, even on spring break.

When it comes to school, my brain and body feel fried; last week I missed a day of school for Lakeya's funeral, which was a unique experience to say the least. It was, in fact, my first church experience with a primarily black congregation, which put a unique spin on my mind's definition of what a funeral should be. Honestly, I thought it could have been a lot better, and a coworker who also went said that he thought it was the worst funeral he'd ever been to, but I can't imagine that the planning was very easy, having seen the impact of the week's events on Lakeya's mom and her family. Plus, it was clear that her humongous family was dealing with other issues even before these events. Sadly, the service spent a limited amount of time talking about the girl we all knew, and more time using the gathering as a way to bring people back to God. The whole thing was quite frustrating, but as I watched the impact that the service had on the kids in the room, I realized that maybe this is the only thing that helps the young people of the community to reach out for help. Everybody acts so "hard" in the Richmond community because they don't want to be seen as weak in any capacity.

This experience marked the first time that I have ever cried in front of students, but I believe that this was probably the most ideal time to do so; I hope that any one of my students who saw me realizes that it's okay to display your emotions. In fact, that's why a lot of things were left unsaid about Lakeya: too many people went up to speak, but had to leave the room because they could not handle their own emotions. It became so clear that these kids, and adults too, had bottled everything up inside so much that their reaction even surprised themselves. And when these community members were actually able to express their sadness outwardly, it was as though they were crying for not just Lakeya's death, but the tragedies of so many others that they knew. I have a feeling that this funeral was different from some of the others that many had been to in that this was an open-casket service for a very young child. I realized that the mind truly does not understand the concept of death until you are looking at it in the face. Especially when the face, dressed up for the funeral, looks nothing like the girl you once knew. At the end of the service, everyone walked by the open casket, and I would say that 1 in 5 community members burst into tears, and 1 in 10 sprinted to the back of the chapel at the sight. It was strange to think that what made the funeral so difficult for me was that it was almost as though these people were learning of Lakeya's death for the first time at that moment. At this point, I had almost made peace with the fact, and it was difficult being witness to so many devastating reactions all over again. Needless to say, I am more than grateful to have the opportunity to think about other things for a week.

On the brighter side of things, I broke in my new bike, and mountain biking has definitely become my new spring passion. I feel like I'm on an "if-not-now-then-when" kick, so the next thing on the list is to get a fitness club membership and actually try and reach a fitness goal or two. I'm pretty positive I'm going to do it; it makes it easier that I already play indoor soccer at the same facility. Once again I feel like I have this fictional idea of how much free time I'm going to have this summer to accomplish everything, but even though I realize this fact, I've decided that having too much to do is way better than doing nothing at all.