Earlier this evening, as I spent my time using a spatula to scrape off the old star stickers from a used laminated assignment chart poster, I thought to myself, I need to write down what I am doing at this very moment to remind myself that I never want to have to do this ever again. Let the records show that reusing class posters is not worth it. This particular instance made me realize that there is an absurd amount of things that I do besides stand up and teach in front of a class. In fact, that may be the easiest part of the job.
With Steve Jobs' passing today, and considering my roommates adoration for all things Apple, we naturally watched one of Steve's commencement speeches to Stanford graduates. His message was to not try too hard to see how the dots of your life will connect ahead of time, but rather to make choices in jobs and life that make you happy and look back later to see how the dots connected themselves. Now, I am a very gifted person in that I can make stress out of nothing, so first let us just ignore the fact that I may not be able to comfortably live my own life with this motto. But considering that I admire the ability to live that way, it made me think about the parts of my job that make me happy and upset.
First of all, it is true that this job makes me happy. It makes me happy that the majority of my students from last year go out of their way to greet me around school or visit me in my classroom or stop by just to tell me that they miss being in my class because their new teacher "...don't teach nothin'!" It makes me happy that my students got the highest state test scores out of all the math teachers at RHS and that I am respected by my administrators and coworkers as a more "legitimate" teacher than I certainly felt my first or sometimes even my second year.
Secondly however, this job upsets me. It upsets me that so many of my students from last year cannot learn in their new math class. Did I hold their hand too much, or did I provide them with the same resources that they need in their new class? It upsets me that my abysmal state test scores are above every other math teacher's on staff. It upsets me that our students' incredibly poor performance in math somehow prevents the administration from ever acknowledging anything good that I do. It upsets me that nearly half of 9th graders have not memorized their times tables or mastered adding and subtracting negatives. It upsets me that my life right now consists only of eating, sleeping, teaching, planning, grading, tutoring, photocopying, and playing soccer (aside from Mondays which are date nights).
Monday was my first personal day of the year, and I planned it four days in advance, meaning that on my way out on Friday, everything was already taken care of for me to take the day of on Monday. Honestly, I forgot what it felt like to temporarily lose the layer of stress in your upper back and shoulders and to actually relax for once on the weekend. Tomorrow is Back to School Night, so it is back to the daily grind now, but I just wonder if I will ever get to the point where I can truly relax in my job.
I doubt it. I spend way too much time redoing lesson plans to better suit students' needs, and I am sure that the standards I set for myself are unreasonable considering the emotional fallout that exists from learning of all the trauma the devours these students' lives.
Anyway, the first unit tests are in and it looks like we're beginning the year once again with a 55% Algebra average and a 65% Geometry average. It hurts my soul a little bit to feel like I am not improving from last year. Of course, this year our Freshman House gets the lower-level special education students, so maybe that helps to add a little perspective. All I know is that unless Unit 2 goes better than Unit 1 did, this will be one long and painful final year.
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